Grief

I recently an article called Stifled Grief: How the West Has it Wrong. I feel I have had to deal with a lot of grief over the past years. I dealt with a lot of grief when I had multiple miscarriages. Sometimes that grief lasted a long time and other times it went away quickly. 

I remember when Adriana lost her mom. Her grief was so strong even months after losing her mom. She would talk to me about it often. It was hard for me to understand what she was going through. One conversation I remember us relating it to my miscarriages. I told her it wasn't the same thing as losing a mom though. She said it is similar because you loved that baby and wanted it so much. Part of me felt it still wasn't. Losing a mom that you have loved for years just isn't the same as having a miscarriage. There are such different parts of grief. 

Now that I have lost Adriana this is a whole new level of grief. I struggle with how long do you grieve and exactly how do you grieve at times? The article on Stifled Grief is really great. There are no guidelines on how a person is to grieve. I also never understood the grief she was going through after she lost her dad and mom so close together. She missed her mom horribly. I honestly thought time would heal her heart. Now I understand no amount of time can heal you after you lose someone. 

"Grief changes who you are at the deepest levels and while you may not forever be in an active mode of grief you will forever be shaped by the loss you have endured."

It is hard to believe that Adriana is gone. I have dreams often she comes back. Sometimes she comes back telling me she just had to get away for awhile. Other times we just pick up like she never left. It's only been 7 weeks yet it feels like 6 years. I really miss her! I miss her funny texts, snapchats, our conversations, our love of Chipotle and tacos, I miss texting her to set up a time to get together or sharing funny G stories with her. I miss sharing the bargains we found. There is just so much I miss. 

Wednesdays are hard days. I usually saw her every Wednesday. There are some days I just want to pop over and see her. Some days I go to text her only to see the last text I sent her "are you ok?" Ugh I hate seeing that one. 

"The reality is you will grieve in some capacity for the rest of your life. Once loss touches you-you are forever changed despite what society tells you. Stop looking at the expectations of an emotionally numbed society as your threshold and measuring stick for success. Instead, turn inward and look at the vulnerable reality of a heart that knows the truth about loss."