The Best I can Be!

As I write this its 24 hours before surgery. I feel reality is starting to hit. I keep thinking this is the last time I will ride Bart without a scar on my neck. How my reality right now is about to change into a new reality.

I've been more upset over the fact I will have a scar than the fact I have cancer. To me it doesn't feel like I have cancer because I won't go through chemo. I will go through a very major surgery. BUT I was going to have surgery no matter if I had cancer or not. My thyroid gland had to be removed period.

The only time I started to cry while telling people I have cancer is when I told my mom. Her cry was heart breaking. I know my mom cries & this one was a hopeless heartbreak.

When I told my staff at work I called them into our conference room. First thing I had to clear up was NO I'm not quitting. They all let out a sigh of relief lol. I told them the news & then reassured them I would be perfectly fine. The only change would be a scar that will eventually fade. I told them they didn't need to worry or be stressed. All I needed from them was to continue business as usual. While I am out of work everyone needs to just think as me as on vacation.

One of my employees came to me the next day. He said I've never heard someone make cancer sound like a rainbow.  I told different groups of friends. The majority told me I have a great attitude & I'm so positive. One friend said my cancer announcement was the most positive she has ever heard. One of my cousins called expecting to cry on the phone with me & was shocked how great I sounded. I told her this was not a time to cry because I'm going to be just fine. Another cousin thought maybe she was blowing things out of proportion or misunderstood things because I've just been positive.

Here is the thing. If I got depressed, crying, rolling around in misery or angry that is not going to help me over come all this. I don't fight challenges with anger. 90% of the time I'm positive with challenges. I have had a couple moments where I have felt overwhelmed. It is normally right before bed and I just go to sleep. Yes, there have been times in the past 3 years I've been angry & bitter as we have battled to have a baby. I may never know why I've had to go through all this except for the fact I've been able to help women go through the same things. I understand the pain & I've been able to support them.

So I will let myself cry after I see the incision because I know it's going to be uglier than I imagine right now. I will not let myself lay around crying, angry or grieving because I have cancer. This is just making me a stronger person.  If I've learned one thing from TJ as he battles cancer it is to laugh, be positive, pray & be the best I can be!