Thursday, March 23, 2017

Grief

I recently an article called Stifled Grief: How the West Has it Wrong. I feel I have had to deal with a lot of grief over the past years. I dealt with a lot of grief when I had multiple miscarriages. Sometimes that grief lasted a long time and other times it went away quickly. 

I remember when Adriana lost her mom. Her grief was so strong even months after losing her mom. She would talk to me about it often. It was hard for me to understand what she was going through. One conversation I remember us relating it to my miscarriages. I told her it wasn't the same thing as losing a mom though. She said it is similar because you loved that baby and wanted it so much. Part of me felt it still wasn't. Losing a mom that you have loved for years just isn't the same as having a miscarriage. There are such different parts of grief. 

Now that I have lost Adriana this is a whole new level of grief. I struggle with how long do you grieve and exactly how do you grieve at times? The article on Stifled Grief is really great. There are no guidelines on how a person is to grieve. I also never understood the grief she was going through after she lost her dad and mom so close together. She missed her mom horribly. I honestly thought time would heal her heart. Now I understand no amount of time can heal you after you lose someone. 

"Grief changes who you are at the deepest levels and while you may not forever be in an active mode of grief you will forever be shaped by the loss you have endured."

It is hard to believe that Adriana is gone. I have dreams often she comes back. Sometimes she comes back telling me she just had to get away for awhile. Other times we just pick up like she never left. It's only been 7 weeks yet it feels like 6 years. I really miss her! I miss her funny texts, snapchats, our conversations, our love of Chipotle and tacos, I miss texting her to set up a time to get together or sharing funny G stories with her. I miss sharing the bargains we found. There is just so much I miss. 

Wednesdays are hard days. I usually saw her every Wednesday. There are some days I just want to pop over and see her. Some days I go to text her only to see the last text I sent her "are you ok?" Ugh I hate seeing that one. 

"The reality is you will grieve in some capacity for the rest of your life. Once loss touches you-you are forever changed despite what society tells you. Stop looking at the expectations of an emotionally numbed society as your threshold and measuring stick for success. Instead, turn inward and look at the vulnerable reality of a heart that knows the truth about loss."


Tuesday, March 21, 2017

California Traveling

A couple of my cousins from ND came to visit. We traveled all over Nor Cal! San Francisco, Monterey, Yosemite, and back to San Francisco. 


Beach on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey



George had fun on his first trolley ride! He had to get on the side of the trolley like momma to hang off the side. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Paleo Chili

I recently made a paleo chili. I have mentioned before how much I love soups. I usually can make the majority of soups paleo friendly; however, I struggled with chili. I had to just think outside the box. Instead of beans I grabbed a bunch of veggies. This is my version of paleo turkey chili. 


This picture doesn't do the chili justice. 

1 pound ground turkey 
1 pound zucchini cut into cubes
1/2 onion diced
2 cans of stewed tomatoes
4 cloves of garlic
1 bell pepper diced
3 stalks of celery
3 tablespoons of chili powder
1 teaspoon of salt

I cut up all the veggies and dumped them in the crockpot. I poured 2 cans of organic stewed tomatoes in, crushed my garlic, salt and chili powder in the crockpot. I didn't precook the ground turkey meat. I took the defrosted meat, broke it apart and mixed it into the chili. While it all cooked the meat cooked too. It really worked well plus saved time and dishes. You could use any type of ground meat. I happen to have turkey on hand, so that is what I used. I cooked it on low for about 4 hours. 

This was a really easy meal and very delicious! This would go great over a bake potato or some cauli rice. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Hair Cut!

It was well over due for G to get another hair cut. I decided to take him to the place by our house. It was convenient and also only $8. I was worried he wouldn't sit there or would cry once they started. He sat in the chair like a champ. Never made a peep even when they used the clippers!










Thursday, March 2, 2017

A week in the life of George!



Scooting around Nana and Pa's house! 


Swinging on the rings at gymnastics! This is his favorite thing at gymnastics! He would swing on them the entire 40 minutes if he was allowed. 


Enjoying a banana lounging in the Target cart as we head to the car! 


Hamming it up for the camera!


Found a comfy place to sit - on my head! 


Helping clean up the mess Nana made with the poppers! As soon as Nana started popping those things he ran to get the dust buster. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Donating my Hair

In the middle of January I decided I wanted to cut my hair and donate it to Wigs for Kids. Wouldn't it be amazing if some child was able to have a wig because I donated a bunch of my hair? I contacted my hair girl to see when she could fit me in and told her what I was planning. I made my appointment, showed up with the instructions and she quickly got to work. 


Here is my hair freshly washed and air dried. 


Measuring to see how much exactly 12 inches would be! Wigs for Kids requires 12 inches to be donated. 


Ashley sectioned my hair into 4 small pony tails. 


Then she cut eat pony tail. eeeekkkk!


Here is the pile of hair afterwards! 


The final cut! I am still adjusting to this short hair. The first time I washed it I felt like I was bald. lol 
I put soap in my hair and it felt like nothing was there. 



I am not a fan of the bob haircut. I like it much better when I curl the sides. This picture is hard to see how I curled it because it is dark. I curl it similar to when it was long. Honestly in the future I will probably wait until my hair is down to my butt to cut it to donate. I just don't like short hair on me. Shoulder length hair is fine for me, but anything shorter and I have issues. One thing that was important to me is that my hair was long enough to still pull back into a pony tail. Thankfully it is. I need to be able to pull it back when I work out. I can't stand hair flying in my face if I am jumping around. lol I also like to pull it back to sleep and when I am feeling too lazy to actually do it. I am glad my hair went to a good cause. I don't regret cutting it at all! 


Friday, February 24, 2017

Big Boy Bed!

The time has come for my little man to have a big boy bed. He has been sleeping with us since around June. When we went to North Dakota he slept with me for the 7 weeks I was there. When we came home he wanted nothing to do with his bed. He has insisted he needs to sleep next to momma every night. I finally got to the point I can't take getting kicked in the head anymore. I told Art we have to get him a bed. 

I went to Macy's Outlet near our house recently. The day I went they had all their mattresses 30% off. I found a twin bed and box spring for $200. Macy's wanted $90 for a frame. At first I was going to buy it. Then I pulled up Amazon to see if $90 was a good deal. Amazon had the same frame for $37 on Prime! I told the lady take the frame off my order I found it on Amazon cheaper. While the lady entered all my information I finished my order on Amazon. 

The bed we bought was a $1,100 bed. I saved over $900 by the time I was done. If you buy a mattress at Macy's Outlet they sell you the box spring for $1. I thought it was a misprint on the sheet until the lady explained it to me. Bargain!!!! I am always looking for great deal. Once things calm down for Art at work he will be making G a headboard. 

I was worried we were going to have nights of screaming as we transitioned from my bed to G's bed. I talked to him about it on the day we bought the bed. I told him from now on you are going to start sleeping in your new big boy bed. I told him let's go buy you some sheets for the big bed. He said "Momma's bed, no bed, no sheets". Over the weekend I had him sleep in his bed at night and nap in my bed. On Monday I started having him nap in his bed. He usually cries he wants to sleep in my bed. I take him to his bed and tell him this is where you sleep now. He has done really well. 





Putting Melmo to sleep! G has been playing in his room a lot more since he got a new bed. He rarely ever went in his room prior. We don't keep a lot of toys in there. He mostly just has stuffed animals in his room. The rest of the toys are in the living area. He will go in his room to play with the stuffed animals or take other toys in there. I am glad he is adjusting to his new bed and enjoying his room more. 


Friday, February 17, 2017

Disney on Ice!


George and I can't wait to go to Disney on Ice next week! 


George is really into Woody and Buzz! He still refers to Woody as Pa (Grandpa Fischer).
He is going to love going to see all the singing, dancing and characters! 

Here is the information for you to get tickets if you would like to go! 


You have the chance to get 25% off your tickets by using the code MOM

Here is the link to make reservations. 

Disney on Ice will be in San Jose, CA February 22-26

and in Oakland, CA March 1-5.

If you would like tickets to other cities check out the schedule HERE to see if they will be near you. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

OOTD

A couple weeks ago I put together 5 different outfits for the week. I took about 10 minutes to put these outfits together. It really helped me wear clothes that have been sitting in my closet for months unworn. It was nice to have outfits to grab in the morning without standing in my closet trying to figure out what in the world to wear. 

I really love the striped shirt below with a white button up shirt under it. I think I only wore it without a shirt under it once time. I bought the striped shirt on clearance at Gap years ago. I am sad to report it has bit the dust. I got something on it, the stain didn't come out and I found more stains on it. Yikes! 

The jeans I am wearing I distressed myself. I really love these jeans. I think I am going to look for another pair of jeans that fit me well and distress them myself. I had 2-3 pairs of skinny leg jeans. I wasn't worried about ruining them because I felt I had enough jeans at the time, so if they got wrecked it would be ok. These jeans are starting to fade and a size too big. I will have to replace them soon. 


I really love my Lularoe leggings. The leggings below are from 2016. I also love the Sarah cardigans. They are super comfy to wear around. One thing that I find is hard with them is when I need to wear a coat. I don't feel I can wear it with a coat. I don't like long things hanging out from coats. Luckily I don't need a coat too often around here. This outfit is like wearing pjs all day long. It is perfect for rainy days when you are staying home. 


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trying to Sleep with a Toddler!

One of my fears about motherhood was the lack of sleep. Sleep has always been a big deal for me my entire life. As a kid I had friends who could stay up all night at a sleep over and party the next day. Not me!  I remember one time I stayed up for hours at night around 7-8 yrs old. The next day I was sleeping in the car, unable to get out to play just exhausted.  I might be able to get less sleep one night but I'm a zombie, crabby and off to bed early the next day. 

I've made it through 2+ years of motherhood. The lack of sleep has been a tough one. The other night G was woke up around 1:30 and decided it was time to party. He was up for 2 hours tossing and turning. Wanting milk, wanted to watch a show, needed cuddles. At one point I was rocking him. I tried to soak in the moment. He would never be this size again. In 15 years I will want to go back to this moment. 

Usually when I first get woke up I get mad. Art can go back to sleep in 2 seconds. I get woke up then I'm up for a minimum of 2 hours. Oh it's infuriating!!! I don't know how you go from talking to snoring in 2 seconds. It's really a gift. 

The next day after this middle of the night partying ruckus G was down for a nap at 11:30a. I couldn't even keep him awake after his nap. He crashed for another hour. I crashed that night at 7:30p. I went to lay in bed, Art came in turned off the lights and closed the door. Thank you Jesus!  I briefly got woke up to G coming in to bed, saying baba and telling Art goodnight. The kid put himself to bed! 

One day he will be 10 and won't want me to hold him, so I'm going to soak up these moments. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Motivation Monday!

My friend Cindy was saying man you just look so much different from when I first met you until now. We have known each other close to 15 years. Crazy it's been that long! She said why don't you do a side by side picture just to see the difference. Well trying to find a digital picture from back in the day until now proves to be challenging.  


The picture on the left is from a week ago. The picture on the right is from October 2008. Seeing these pictures side by side is just crazy! WOW I didn't realize there was that much of a change. 

I have lost 90 pounds since then and I let my hair go back to it's original color. I would need to be holding close to 4 of G to be the 90 pounds I have lost. I am not even sure I could hold 4 of him. Carrying one of him gets exhausting after a little while. 

I have talked in numerous blog posts about how I originally lost weight and what I do now to keep the weight off. I am trying to lose 10 more pounds by our anniversary, so I can be down 100 pounds since our wedding. I do eat a strict Paleo diet now and workout 3-5 times a week. I am so glad I took the steps about 5 years ago to be healthier. I am so much happier now. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Our Beloved Adriana!

Last Thursday my phone rang around 7:30am from our friends that we use to share the nanny with. Britt said Adriana hasn't shown up and I need to take P to school anyway you could come over? I said sure give me 30 min and we will be there. I had talked to her the night before. 

Adriana phone was going straight to voicemail. We didn't think anything of it at first because she has overslept. We figured in an hour or two she would come. Britt asked how long I could stay and I said until noon. At noon still no Adriana and still phone turned off. This was getting weird. I remember looking out the window thinking Adriana isn't coming today. I figured she would be back on Friday. 

I had sent Adriana a text. After an hour it wasn't read. I thought maybe something happened to her phone, so I at 1pm I sent her a FB message. I got a weird message from someone 30 min later claiming to be a family member asking if she really had died. I called Britt shaking reading her the message. Britt says that can't be real. Who would send something like that. I looked on FB to find Adriana sister info. I called her and left a voicemail stating she didn't show up for work. Adriana's sister called me back with the worst news. There was a domestic dispute and Adriana boyfriend ran her over killing her. I felt like the world was moving but I was frozen. It was the worst news I think I've ever gotten. I then had to call Britt to tell her the news. 


In the Spring of 2015 I met Adriana when I was looking for someone to watch G. We ended up joining a nanny share. It was the first person/place I felt comfortable with leaving G. I had a lot of anxiety about who would watch my baby. I was so worried someone wouldn't treat him right. Adriana took him from me that day and held him. She was so loving with him from day 1. I never worried when he was with her. I knew she loved him and was treating him right. I loved that she would send me text message throughout the day. 

After I stopped working he still went over there for a couple hours once a week. He loved his Nana! She loved it that he called her Nana. He thought the other babies were Nana's babies. He would say Nana then make a crying noise. Adriana and I spent a lot of time together and became close. At least once a week we did something. I got to know the real Adriana not just Nana. 

I went to spend some time with Adriana's sister, brother and niece earlier this week. It was weird to be at her house at first. Then we all started talking and sharing stories. As they were going through things they kept pulling out things I gave her. She saved little cards, pictures, clothes....so much stuff that I had given her was around her house. It really helped me spending time with them. I realized our friendship was just as special to her as it was to me. 

I haven't experience grief like this. I haven't ever lost a friend so tragically. My heart has been so heavy. I just want to wake up from this terrible dream. 



Adriana loved to do make up! This picture is just her. A big smile! 


She loved my little G so much! 


Adriana loved Sarah Jessica Parker. Last year she did a photo shoot similiar to one SJP did. 


She loved food! She would always say I don't know how you can eat that way. I have decided to just be fat and love food. That always made me laugh. 


My friend I will miss you so much! 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Beauty Products

I have been changing all my make up over to safer products. I use either the Honest Company or BeautyCounter. I bought a palette from the Honest Company awhile ago that I never used. I recently started using it. I am trying to use up the products I have before I buy new stuff. I really like the cream blusher in the palette. I don't really use the eye shadows in the palette. I don't wear browns and for some reason I bought one with all brown colors. 

I do love BeautyCounters eyeliner, eyebrown pencil, mascara and lip sheer. Below are pictures of me with those products. I am wearing the black eyeliner, medium eyebrow pencil and plum lip sheer. I have on the same products in both pictures, but you can see the difference in natural sunlight and inside. 



The BeautyCounter lip sheers can also be used as a cream blusher. I like to add a little of the plum to my cheeks to add a little pop of color. I also have used the powder blusher by BeautyCounter. I like the product, but I don't love it like the cream blushers. I feel I need the cream blusher still in order for the powder to stick. 

If you would like to try samples of any of the BeautyCounter items let me know. I would be happy to mail you some samples. 



Monday, February 6, 2017

Lunch Time!

I packed my lunch when I worked all the time. I tried not to eat out more than once a week. An average meal out now costs about $10. It really adds up quickly eating out plus it usually isn't the healthiest. I pack Art breakfast, lunch and snacks for him to take to work. I set all his containers on the bottom shelf of the fridge in a neat pile. We have our routine down of where things go, so it's easy to grab as he runs out the door. 

Sunday I meal prep for the week. I make all Art breakfast, cut up all the fruit and make some containers of food for G. I like to have fruit and veggies G can grab from the bottom drawer of the fridge. He likes to get his own snacks. 

I need easy lunch things for myself. I love leftovers. I need to be better about making enough leftovers for 2 meals. I'm good about making enough for Art. I try to stay 1-2 meals ahead for him. He isn't a fan of eating leftovers the next day. Some times I throw leftovers in the freezer, so I have something to grab Art during busy times. 

I eat salad 3-4 days a week. I love Costco's kale salad mixes. The cranberries and nuts that come in the mixes G eats. I will put them in a little containers for him. I use just the salad mix, heat up some chicken, sprinkle sliced almonds and chia seeds over the top, slice some cherry tomatoes in half and top with honey Dijon dressing I make myself. I'm getting hungry for this salad now!  A bag of the salad mix will last me for about 3 meals. I eat a lot of it. I don't ever feel guilty having a huge salad either. Greens are good for you!  You need to be careful what you are topping the salad with and read the labels. If you are eating clean food EAT lol

In the winter I like to have soup. It helps warm me up and keep me full. I recently made PaleoMG Buffalo Chicken Chili. It was really good!  I did have to make something else for G when I made this because it is too spicy for him. G will eat some spice, but I thought this might be too much for him. 

What are some of your favorite items for lunch?

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Costco Shopping List

Lately I've been making a menu and grocery list for 2 weeks. I go back and forth with having a 2 week list back to a 1 week list. Sometimes I feel we save money grocery shopping for 2 weeks. Other times I don't see the difference. I usually have to go to the store weekly because of fruit and veggies. 

I have found a trick that helps make fruit and veggies last. I do a vinegar wash. I fill a bowl up with water and put about a tablespoon of vinegar in the bowl. I throw tomatoes, grapes, Brussels sprouts, berries....whatever I'm cleaning. Costco has 2 gallons of vinegar for $4. That is about the price of 1 gallon at the regular store. Grapes are so dirty. It is nasty to see all the dirt on the bottom of the bowl once I wash the fruit and veggies. 

I like to buy my lettuce at Costco. I've learned to really check the stems to make sure there is little to no brown on the bottoms. They will last 2-3 weeks if I pay attention to the bottoms. I buy the romaine lettuce that comes with 5-6 stalks for like $4.  This will last me 2 weeks in the winter and a week in the summer. I tend to eat more salads in the summer. The winter I need warmer foods. 

Here is my Costco list for 2 weeks. 

2 rotisserie chickens 
1 container of cherry tomatoes
2 bunches of bananas
2 pineapples 
1-2 other types of fruit 
1-2 bags of kale salad
1 bag romaine lettuce
1 container mushrooms 
2-3 types of veggies
2 cases of organic almond milk 
5 dozen eggs

Costco doesn't always have the same veggies. I meal plan ahead of my trip. I know they always have lettuce, tomatoes, mushrooms, celery, onions, potatoes and garlic. Depends on the season I might have to adjust my meals. I put down the veggies I want, but adjust once I'm there. 

I also like to grab some meat. I will buy their $15 pork loin. I come home cut it into 4 sections, put it in freezer bags and freeze. This will last us about a month. I like some of their sausages too. They come with 3-4 packages. I just cut the packages apart and throw them in the freezer. 

Recently I didn't have a rotisserie chicken in the fridge and I felt lost as to what to eat for lunch. This has become a staple for me. I buy 1-2 chicken at a time. I bring it home and take it all off the bones. I put one chicken in a Pyrex container in my fridge and the other in my freezer all deboned. This is great to grab to throw on a salad. I love to reheat it in my cast iron skillet with a little grease. Crispy chicken is really yummy on salads. 

On nights when I don't feel like cooking I will throw some BBQ sauce over the chicken, bake a potato and there is dinner. I usually have some quick veggie to go along with it.  We rarely eat take out food. I don't eat anything from fast food and very very rarely give anything to G from fast food.  

I try to get gas at Costco too. I fill up when I'm there and it saves me .20-.50 cents a gallon. I have been loving this rainy weather for the Costco lines. People must be scared to go there. The gas line is 1-2 cars and inside sometimes no line. I feel like I hit the jackpot lol 

What are your favorite items from Costco? 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Life with George!

This boy is the life of the house! We started potty training the first of the year. He is doing very well for only being 2. He now likes to run around with only a shirt on. I have to dress a wild monkey every time we need to leave the house. 



He has decided his tool kit is also a medical kit. The nail needs to go in my ear and the screws in my eyes. He laughs so much when he is doing all this to me. 



Our entire neighborhood recently had mice in their houses. The rain drove those buggers into our houses. It was awful. Everyone was complaining. I was threatening to move out. I asked my dad if I could come stay with him, but the problem is he gets mice. I could tell some crazy mouse killing stories from the farm. 

Anyhow we caught those awful things. When Art would go to throw them out I would scream my head off. George just thought it was hysterical. He would laugh so hard. The other day I was doing laundry in the garage. I hear in the kitchen George yelling MOUSE MOUSE. I ran in there and said where is the mouse? He just started laughing. I asked him is there a mouse? He said nope. Crazy kid just wanted me to scream. 



Fixing his car with his drill and tools. He likes to help us fix things. He will come walking with his tools saying fix fix. 



He wanted to take a funny picture with our eye closed. 



He was having a grand time jumping on his new horse. He likes to get on there and fall off the sides. 



He loves to hide! He will get behind the couch cushions or under a blanket. You will hear all this laughing as he hides. Or he will tell us momma hide. I love how toddlers don't think you can see them if they can't see you. 



Him and his buddy threw all the animals out of the toy box, climbed inside and had a fun time playing. 



If I start to put the silverware away George will come running saying help help. He puts them all away in their correct place. Also if I am using the blender he pushes the chair up to the counter to do his job. He doesn't think anyone knows how to use the blender as good as he does.