Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Expectations Ruin Everything!

Expectations usually end up disappointing someone. I had expectations of what I thought pregnancy would be like. It has been NOTHING like I expected. I expected to love every minute of being pregnant, love being able to gain weight, enjoy pregnancy once I passed week 12, because this was the moment I had waited for my entire life! I remember being a little girl dreaming of the day I would be a mom. Unfortunately all those expectations were a big disappointment. 

I recently told my mom I don't think I will ever be one of those women who says they miss being pregnant. Some people have told me they loved feeling the baby move inside of them. I do not love having him sit so low while using my bladder as a trampoline. I do love feeling him kicking higher up! I won't miss it though only because I would much rather have him here, so I can look at him to make sure he is safe. 

This is pregnancy number 10 for me. I thought once I hit week 12 I would calm down and enjoy being pregnant. I have had different worries or concerns the entire pregnancy. There are soooo many tests you go through and each time you worry will they find something. Even though I have made it to 28 weeks I still worry what if something goes wrong. I think that is a normal thing for someone who has had 1 or 9 losses. It is hard! That scared feeling in the back of your mind creeps in. Add in hormones and it can be a little worse. 

Would I do this again? Without a second thought! Every time we went through a loss I would think can I do this again? In a few months my heart would start to heal enough that I felt I could go through it again. I always prepared myself that the next pregnancy could result in a loss and I needed to be strong enough. I knew eventually though we would have a successful pregnancy. My heart always knew I would be a mom. I couldn't give up. I had some terrible things said to me by people who thought they were being caring. They would ask why I kept trying, maybe I needed to calm down and stop worry, maybe God didn't want us to have a child, there were lots of children that needed to be adopted and the nonsense continued for 5 years. It came to the point where I stopped telling people about a loss because if I had to hear one more crude comment I might end up in prison. 

Pregnancy is hard no matter how prepared you are, but there are some good parts to it. The second trimester has been one of the best. I FINALLY feel back to normal physically. This is the first time I have physically felt good since surgery in January 2013. If I could live in second trimester I would stay here forever. Someone needs to learn how to bottle this and sell it! I would buy it for a lot of money. lol 

My hair has been amazing. It is full, doesn't get greasy, I don't shed and it's shiny. I would lose handfuls of hair in the shower each time I washed it over the past year. It was awful! I was on a every 3 to 4 day hair washing schedule. Now I wash it every 7-8 days. This is one of the things I will miss terribly bad. I hate hate hate washing my hair. It is such a chore. 

I only have to shave once every other week. How fabulous is that! It's just as fabulous as not having a period for 9 months. Who cares if you bleed like a mother after birth. You had 9 months of heaven. lol

There are good things and bad things. You can't go into pregnancy with expectations or saying you will do certain things. I had plans to work out and eat healthy. lol What a joke! The first trimester I choked down what I could just to survive. The second trimester round ligament pain killed me when I tried to exercise. I had to walk like a granny if I just wanted to get a 1/2 mile. 

I have read so many blog posts about how wonderful pregnancy can be. I thought there needs to be a reality to what it is like. Heartburn, round ligament pain, gestational diabetes, peeing every 15 minutes, stretch marks, bladder used a trampoline, breasts the size of cantaloupes, worrying, looking fat instead of pregnant, sleepless nights, moodiness, crying one minute laughing the next, acne, fabulous hair, and the list goes on & on & one.  I have around 80ish days until my due date, but who is counting. Honestly I am enjoying every minute of this because I know this could be the first and last.