Friday, October 18, 2013

Just Another Day As I Fight Cancers Butt!

I sit anxiously waiting for the time to pass to go to bed. I will wake up the next day for tests that are becoming all too familiar. I will arrive an hour early for my test, check in with the front desk, be asked to sit down as I await for my afternoon cocktail. I will be handed a liter of clear liquid that looks like water, but tastes like chalk. The first few drinks are fine. Then the taste gets worse as I continue to drink the rest of the chalk. 

I will be called to the back room. Told to change into a gown. Hopefully they will have the right size this round instead of one that would fit 3 of me. I will be called into a small room, asked a few questions, arm prepared for an IV. I will be walked to a small waiting room asked to have a seat for the tech to come get me. 

The tech will come get me and walk me back into a very cold room. In the center of the room is a long table with the biggest plastic donut. I will be told where to put my stuff and to sit on the long table. My IV will then be started with more clear liquid. I will be informed of the side affects from all the clear liquids, to drink plenty of water afterwards to clear the liquids out of my system.  

I will lay on the table for 10-15 minutes as I am exposed to more radiation then I ever imagined I would ever have to deal with in a lifetime let alone in one year. I will be asked to get up, change, and my doctor will contact me in the next few days.

I will wait on an average of 3 days to get the results from my doctor. Every time my phone goes off I will wonder if it is an email from my doctor with the results. Have they found any additional spots, has anything grown, will this be the scan where we are told they made mistakes and my body is clear? There is a list of questions that will run through my mind until the results are back. Even with the results back this does not seem like my actual reality. This must be a bad dream I will wake up from soon. 

I keep wondering when I will wake up from this dream. My reality should be a house filled with 5 kids running through the house with finger paints on their little fingers, screaming where is mom, we are hungry all while the dog is barking as someone paints him blue. 

Instead I will hear people tell me I shouldn't be so negative and I need to remain positive. It will take every ounce of strength not to punch those people in the throat. See the above is the reality I thought I would have. Instead I have a reality filled filled with chalky drinks cold sterile rooms full of radiation month after month.