Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Unexplainable

It feels like almost yesterday I wrote this post about excitement & sadness. Unfortunately I am writing a very similar post again a little over a year later.

January 25 brought news that caused me to be overcome with joy & terror. The day before I had requested my doctor to order a hcg blood test. The nurse thought it was too early to order a blood test since I was only 5 days late. On the 25th we got the result that I was pregnant. I knew it!  Don't mess with a hormonal woman when she "knows" what is going on!



Another blood test was ordered for the next day to make sure the levels doubled. On the 27th the levels more than doubled. The first hcg was 101 & the second was 284. My progesterone was normal, but the doctor thought I should take prometrium to help keep my progesterone normal.


My biggest fear was to get through the week of February 14. I hadn't made it through week 7 in the past pregnancies. The week of the 14th was also going to be a very busy week for me. 


On February 7 we had our first doctor appointment. My calculation was I was 6 weeks & if we were lucky we would see a heart beat. I was sick the morning of the 7th because of the unknown.  I sat in the doctor office shaking.  I save this blog to read while I waited and ended up laughing.  Helped ease the tension.  Once we were in the room Art kept me laughing.  He is so good at making me laugh when I was nervous.


The doctor was checking everything & finally says do you see that little flicker right there as he points to the screen. Uh huh. I couldn't talk because I had tears streaming down my face. He said that's a heart beat. OMG we've never seen a heart beat before....this is AWESOME!!!!  We were both so excited for our little flicker. We both went to work on cloud 9. Another appointment was scheduled for February 16 to make sure the baby was progressing. February 16 is a special day since it was our first date 5 yrs ago.


I had been experiencing morning sickness for a couple weeks. Sunday the 13th it was really bad. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through my father in laws birthday party & not give it away I was pregnant. Luckily by 3pm it went away. We had decided to wait to tell everyone until after the 16th.


The morning of the 15th I woke up, sat up in bed, Art turned on the light, stood up & there was a puddle of blood. I went completely numb. My first thought was get the sheet off. All I could says was what do I do, what do I do over & over. I jumped in the shower. I knew it was the end because you can't lose that much blood.


I had blood draw, went to the doctor for an ultrasound & the news was what I expected. The sack had already started to lose its shape, no heart beat, my #s weren't climbing. The nurse starts to explain all our options. Inside I'm screaming for her to be quiet....I'm a pro at this already. This is the 3rd miscarriage I've had at 6-7 weeks & one pregnancy that didn't develop past a very low hcg #. Art felt she explained everything very well & he understood things better. While I understand I guess it had never been explained very well to him.


Over the next 3 days I had meetings I had scheduled out of town for work. I was like a walking zombie. I forgot to pack stuff I needed like a tooth brush. I made it through those next few days & back home again in one piece.


My doctor ended up leaving on vacation the day after the miscarriage. I scheduled an appointment with another doctor for a d&c. Unfortunately with both our schedules it took over a week to meet. The doctor scheduled a d&c for me.  Art & I scheduled time off work to be home for a couple days to recuperate.


The d&c wouldn't happen.  I was at work on a Friday and started to have some cramps.  No big deal.  I took some Tylenol, but it did nothing.  The pain kept getting worse & worse.  I couldn't walk, talk or even function.  I was stranded at work unable to get home and Art wasn't able to get me either.  I let a coworker know what was going on.  I didn't want to pass out or something happen to me.  She went to get my boss.  My boss said my coworker was going to take me hope.  I had called the doctor earlier to make sure the d&c was still on for Monday.  They called in the middle of all this and I couldn't make sense of what I wanted to say.  They said go straight to the hospital.  I thought how am I going to even get there I can't even walk.


All of a sudden I started throwing up and ran to the bathroom.  Everything ended up passing.  Once it all passed I had instant relief of all the pain.  I could talk, walk and think.  I knew once I saw everything that I wouldn't need a d&c.  I will spare the awful deals because it was totally awful!


I took the train & my in laws picked me up.  I went to their house & slept with my little Sammy.  He wouldn't leave my side.  The doctor had me to come in just to make sure everything had passed.  The ultrasound confirmed that everything had passed & a d&c wasn't necessary.


The past 2 weeks of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I am doing much better now emotionally.  Physically I am slowly starting to return to normal.  Why does this keep happening?  No one has an answer for me.  I have seen 2 infertility doctors who have run every single test in the book & still have no answers.  I have complete confidence in these doctors. 


I have the most amazing husband!  This man has made me his top priority, been there to comfort me, bring me chocolate, make me laugh, and even done dishes!!!!  Art has been my rock! 


10 comments :

~The Moses Family said...

Love you!

~M~ said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've gone through so much... I'm keeping you and Art in my thoughts.

Krystal said...

MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS!

Krystal said...

MUAH!!!!!!!!! HUGS!

lacey said...

keep beautiful baby libby in mind. it took ten years for her to arrive but she did. you will have the most beautiful baby, and you and art will be the best parents! i know its true. you guys deserve it!

Susan said...

O Becky, I am soo sorry! I know there isn't anything that can be said to make you feel better but know that I am thinking of you!

Sharon said...

I'm so sorry, Becky...I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through. =( Btw, I go to church with Elizabeth and Richard Layson and found your blog from her hers.

Deann said...

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain. I had four miscarriages in seven years. Last year after being married 9 yrs. we adopted three beautiful girls and had a miracle baby boy. We don't know the future holds and everybody deals with it differently. Let yourself grieve and do things to remember those precious babies you lost.

Jessica said...

your story is my story.

reading what you went through this past time was like reading pages from my journal. except, when you woke up - it was me sitting on the couch and realizing i had started.

My husband and I took two years off from trying to get pregnant after the second miscarriage - now we've been trying for almost a year and a half. it's heartbreaking every month.

everyone says "quit trying and it will happen!" They don't understand that some of us women NEED the progesterone supplements to keep our pregnancies, so if we don't "try" or at least KEEP TRACK of whats going on, we have so much more trouble than women who do not need the progesterone supplements.

I'm so with you hun! Keep me posted! We are Progesterone Sisters! Keep your spirits up! I'm thinking about you!

Gina said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart aches for you!